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by Seo Ije Translated by Léo-Thomas Brylowski December 7, 2023
낮은 해상도로부터
Seo Ije
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Winter was fading away. Following nature’s
course. Little by little, winter was fading away. Little by little, the days grew longer,
allowing me to witness the sunset from start to finish on my way back from
work. The scenery outside the subway window shifted rapidly before fading away.
It faded away, but I, watching it fade away, did not. Far out into the
distance. My gaze remained locked, the sun now about to fade away from my
locked gaze. Following nature’s course. The sun slowly faded away.
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Fortunately, everyone at the office seemed to
have lunch on their own. I usually chose to spend my lunch breaks alone at a
coffee shop. The coffee shop I frequented the most was only a short distance
from the office. On some days I brought my own lunch to the office, but I
usually just preferred grabbing a small bite to eat such as a pastry with a
coffee. Since I spent so much time at the coffee shop, I would occasionally see
people waiting for someone there. These people who had been waiting for someone
would then turn into people meeting up with someone.
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A rendezvous. Waiting. One person meets
another. Two people meet, but I have never met you. You told me that you worked
as an app developer at a company nearby. This happy coincidence made us feel
closer, but were we really close? We often said that we should make time to see
each other but never did. As things are, it seems unlikely we’ll ever see each
other. I don’t know the reason why you deleted your Twitter account so
suddenly. We exchanged a lot of messages with each other before your account
was deleted.
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You said that you went for coffee every day
during lunch at a coffee shop near your office. You said that drinking a lot of
coffee did not interfere with your sleep at night. But you didn’t need much
sleep to begin with. You have a driver’s license, but you don’t own a car
because you prefer riding the bicycle. You once learned how to swim. You’re
relatively healthy, but you were born with a weak heart. As a matter of fact,
your grandfather died from a heart attack. You’ve been on a pilgrimage to
Jerusalem and you were pickpocketed on a trip to Europe. [. . .] You like
reading books, and also occasionally enjoy going to the theater by yourself
after work. You don’t mind being single. You enjoy spending time alone. You
told me that people at your office spend the entire day staring at their
computer. You told me that not much talking happened there. You told me that
typing and clicking sounds filled the silence instead. You were content with
your job. If you were telling the truth, that is. Although I knew a lot about
you, I neither knew your name, your gender, your age, your face, nor your
voice. I didn’t even know your contact information.
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I once told you about P. I was comfortable
doing so since you didn’t know P. I knew that you and P wouldn’t be crossing
paths. P and I had nothing to say to each other at all. We would meet every
week to eat, have drinks, and sleep together, but nothing else happened between
us. I’m not even sure whether P really loved me or not, but that is of little
importance now. Meeting P taught me two things. That a conversation is more
than a mere exchange of words, and that what I need isn’t a lover as much as
someone who I can have real conversations with. As it turns out, I feel love through
language.
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It occurred to me that I might bump into P by
chance someday. On the street, at a restaurant, or in the subway. I tried to
imagine our chance encounter. It seemed fair to assume such a thing might
happen one day. If I ever met P by chance, if that day really did come, I was
hoping we would just pass each other by. I was hoping that I wouldn’t recognize
P at all. Yes, that would be best. I wished that I would no longer be able to
recognize P by then. Like we’d never met to begin with, as if we were total strangers.
I was hoping that we would have become too old to recognize each other—that we
would have grown so completely distant that I wouldn’t even be able to recall
P’s face.
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I conjure up a distant memory of your face.
Forehead
Eyebrow Eyebrow
Ear Eye Eye Ear
Nose
Mouth
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Did I ever call you by your name? In a loving
manner. Did I ever call you in such a way? I couldn’t remember your name. I
could only remember your face and whatever little time we spent together. There
was no way for me to find you. I had no clues to fall back on. It was
impossible for me to find you without your name. How could I forget your name?
Perhaps it had been too long. Back when you were little, I was little as well.
Your face came to replace your name for as far as I can remember.
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A little one who never even had a name, and a
little one whose name I can’t remember. I used to have two little siblings. One
of them died before being born, and the other had their adoption revoked.
Although I don’t know the name of the one who died, I know they existed.
Although I don’t know the name of the other one whose adoption was revoked, I
know they existed. If I can call them so, then I’m quite sure I used to have
two little siblings.
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I don’t know my dead sibling’s face. It’s
because I never got to see them. They never had a single photo taken of them.
But that doesn’t mean they didn’t have a face. Once their heart formed and
blood began flowing through them, things like their ears, eyes, mouth, and nose
would have started to take shape. From some moment on, they would have had
small holes destined to become ears and small spots destined to become eyes. As
they began to move, they would have developed their sense of touch. As they began
to feel things, their facial features would have become increasingly
well-defined. they would have
grown fingers and toes, and their tail would have disappeared altogether. It
wouldn’t have taken long before they grew to the size of an adult hand. Their
fate would be determined with the formation of their genitals. As their
cerebrum developed, they would have begun to think and remember things. By
then, they would have been able to feel anger and sorrow, although they
wouldn’t have known what they were called. Once they had a face, they would
have been able to smile and frown. Although they wouldn’t have known the
meaning of love, they would have been able to feel it. Even without knowing any
words, they would have been able to feel all kinds of sensations and emotions.
Little by little, their reddish skin would have darkened and become thicker as
they began to sense the world around them.
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They died suddenly one day. Their bones and
flesh, their blood, their heart and stomach, their liver and spleen, their
appendix, their brain, their forehead, their eyebrows, their eyelashes, their
eyes, their mouth, their lips, their nose and their nostrils, their ears and
their ear canals, their hands and their fingers, their feet and their toes,
their soft hair, their muscles, their nerves, their emotions, their short
memories—all of these things which once belonged to them before dying. I
could’ve seen their face had they been born and not died. I could’ve seen their
face change with age as they grew up. Instead, they were labeled as “infectious
waste” and disposed of in accordance with the law.
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I found myself alone for a while. I grew up, began to walk, and learned to talk. You showed up at our house just when I started talking. You’re a big sibling now. You became my little sibling that day. Although you didn’t know how to speak yet, you could make sounds to express your hunger or your dissatisfaction. You could also burp, sneeze, and smile at me. You lived with us for close to a month. Sometimes you sat on the bed staring blankly at me. Was there something you wanted to tell me?
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There’s something I’ve been meaning to tell
you. Although you may not remember me, I have always remembered you. A lot has
happened at home since you returned to the arms of your grandmother and your
mother. Our family isn’t as well off as it used to be. I no longer live at the
house where you and I used to live. Whenever we downsized to a smaller home,
and when fights between my parents grew more frequent, and when red stickers
appeared on our electrical appliances and furniture indicating they were to be seized,
and as my personal space kept shrinking, I thought about you. I was glad you
didn’t have to go through any of that. Had you not left—or rather, had you not
been returned—we would have gone through all these things together. I’m glad I
was the only one subjected to this kind of life. Mom left. Dad stayed behind,
and I watched him fall apart bit by bit. I’m really glad you weren’t there to
see that. But I always longed to see you. Although you probably don’t remember
me, you could have been my little sibling.
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They must be grown up by now and are no
longer a child. They must no longer have the face of a child. They used to have
a wide and round forehead. Maybe. From what I remember, their face was round
but their cheeks were not very plump. I think they had thick lips and a deep
groove under their nose. I’m not sure. I don’t remember well. But they did have
a sharp nose. I can recall that clearly. No, I’m actually not even sure. I
remember their nose being sharp, but I’m not sure if it was sharp enough to be called
sharp. Although they may not have had a very sharp nose, it would also be wrong
to say that they had a flat nose. They had very big eyes as well. Yes, I
remember their faint double eyelids. Their eyes were undeniably big. I remember
those eyes vividly.
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You left a lasting impression on me. Although
you were smaller than me, your eyes were bigger than mine. Although your eyes
were very big, they were more than just that. Your eyes sparkled. They glowed
brightly like little marbles, like gems. They were moist. [. . .] kind and innocent. They were pure. They
were pretty. They were beautiful. But they were more than just beautiful.
Although I could remember your eyes, I couldn’t find the right words to
describe them. It was a nearly impossible task. I could try. I could make the
effort. But the more I described them, or the more I tried to describe them,
the more I damaged them. I tried not to talk about you to prevent my words from
erasing what was left of your face.
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I was removing water. Water removal was a
cumbersome task. When photoshoots involved spraying water on a product, it was
almost impossible to achieve the client’s desired outcome no matter how many
times I tried. That’s because I had no control over the direction or the angle
in which the water would go, and because the brand logo would sometimes get
covered in water. When this happened, I would take a photo of the product
separately and merge it with another photo of the product with water sprayed
onto it to create the final image. I was removing and altering the water’s
shape to create a beautiful image that would include the brand logo while also
capturing the moment when the water came into contact with the product. I
adjusted the opacity, removed some water droplets, and added new water
droplets, droplets, and droplets. When combining two photos together, it was
vital to achieve a seamless result.
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Summer was very hot this year, but winter was
also very cold. Contrary to nature’s course. Paradoxically, the fact that
winters have been getting colder serves as evidence that the Earth is gradually
getting warmer. The melting of glaciers driven by global warming is said to
have caused cold air from the North Pole to sweep across East Asia. Polar bears
are losing their habitat and dying. Polar bears are disappearing. Disappearing
fast. One animal has disappeared even faster than polar bears. The Bramble Cay
melomys. This small rodent was driven to extinction by rising sea levels.
Although I’ve never seen one in real life, I could see them everywhere.
Although I’ve never seen one in real life, I knew that they disappeared.
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I don’t think I would’ve minded had you used
my stuff without asking me. Even if you had eaten ice cream that I bought for
myself without asking me, or used one of my handbags without asking me, or
borrowed my clothes without asking me—and even if we would have fought over why
you did that—I don’t think I would’ve minded. If you got hit by another kid, I
would have stood up for you and taught them a lesson. Even though I’ve never
fought with anyone in my life, I would have been willing to do it again and again
for you. I would’ve gotten medicine for you when you were sick and taken you to
the hospital when you hurt yourself. I would’ve slept next to you on nights
when you had a nightmare and were scared, hugged you when you cried, and
thought about something to make you laugh while making the silliest face in the
world when you felt depressed. To cherish dearly. I wished to know what that meant. I also
wanted to capture your entire childhood on camera, and yet I don’t even have a
single photo of you.
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I didn’t keep a single photo of P. I tried my
best to erase every memory, every trace, and every thought of P. But my efforts
to completely erase P felt contrived. There was nothing I could be forced to
erase. Not that I remember. Attempting to completely erase something made me
realize it was impossible to completely erase something. Memories, traces,
thoughts. Only time could erase and cause them to fade away. The natural way to
erase something was to let it gradually fade away. Trying to speed up the process
by erasing something that was meant to gradually fade away, or attempting to
hold on to something that was meant to fade away on its own someday. I was like
a human trying to interfere with the course of nature.
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You said you liked computers. You said that
computers didn’t do anything unpredictable or irrational. You said that you
understood computers. Cause and effect. You said that computers were always
right and never left you feeling bewildered and frustrated. You said that
nothing about computers ever happened merely by chance, accidentally, or for no
reason. You said that computer programs were not complicated. Or that, yes,
they could be complicated—but that their level of complexity paled in
comparison to humans. You said that the complexity of humans often left you
feeling bewildered and frustrated.
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I went into the App Store every now and then
to search for Griffin. Up until your account was deleted, I knew you’d been
working to develop a photo application called Griffin. You said that Griffin
would not only allow people to retouch their faces, but that it would also have
a feature making it possible to seamlessly erase anyone from a photo. You said
that, for example, users could use this feature to erase people appearing in
the background of a selfie. You said that it would also make it possible to erase
a specific person from a group picture. In contrast to Photoshop, which
required editing photos after they had already been taken, this application
would allow users to make anyone disappear the moment they took a photo. You
were working to develop disappearance.
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10 0 0 01
1 1 1
1 1 1
0010 0100
0010100
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I looked at a photo of P. Although part of me
wanted to forget what they looked like altogether, I would add him back to my kakaoTalk contact list to look at their
face every once in a while. I couldn’t help it. But the face in the photo
appeared both like the one I knew and one that I didn’t know. Their face seemed
to have changed, but also seemed not to have changed. The more I looked at the
photo, the more familiar they looked, and the more unfamiliar they looked. If I
stared long enough, it would feel like I both had and yet hadn’t grown distant
from the face I remembered. There are countless ways a photo can distort a
person’s face, though. I knew this better than anyone because my work involved
retouching and editing photos. And yet, I still couldn’t take my eyes off the
photo. I formed a new impression of him that fell somewhere between the face I
remembered and the one in the photo.
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I was waiting to receive another message from
you. I waited and waited. Perhaps I wasn’t waiting for you as much as I was
waiting for the message. You were already a message in and of yourself. A
message which aroused feelings in me. But could I really have harbored feelings
for someone whose name, gender, age, face, and voice I didn’t know? Although I
didn’t think it made any sense, I continued waiting. I waited and waited.
Perhaps it was all P’s fault. Perhaps I wanted to talk to you about things I didn’t
get to tell P or find in you what P couldn’t give me. Linking your message to
his image. I waited for your message to create—and love—someone who didn’t
actually exist.
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People at the office began playing around with an AI chatbot as a way to kill time. It wasn’t long before it became a trend. “Did you have lunch?” “It said it had kimchi-jjigae for lunch today.” “It’s asking me why I’m asking that kind of question.” People reacted to the things the program said. People looked a little more excited than usual. They said that the more people used the program and the more they interacted with it, the more the program would be able to learn, and the more fluent it would sound. Just like a human, AI learns by copying the behavior and language of others. If it was exposed to bad words, it would use bad language, and if it was exposed to pretty words, it would use pretty language. Listening and speaking were one and the same. I looked at the chat window to see what the program was saying.
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I send you
a digital message.
You speak to me in text.
text text text text text text text text text text
Your face and body are made of text.
Your thoughts and personality are made of text.
Your mind produces a soft skin.
text text text text text text text text text
You are an organism made of text.
Using nothing but text I can
draw and recall
your face.
I can imagine your eyes, nose, and mouth.
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It was supposed to be the last snow of the
winter according to the weather forecast. The snow fell with such intensity
that it blanketed the whole world. It finally came to a stop after the sun
reached its zenith. I stepped on the snow and slowly made my way to the coffee
shop. A cat—or a dog—had left some pawprints in the snow. Shoeprints. There
were still visible traces of someone’s passage here and there. Store owners
came out during lunch time to clear up the snow piled up on the sidewalks.
Someone was sprinkling salt on a steep road. A small snowman, a tiny little
snowman, a snowman the size of a person, a dirty snowman, an uneven snowman, an
ugly snowman [. . .] a snowman with rocks for eyes, a snowman with eyebrows. I
had no idea who made them, but there were all sorts of snowmen in front of my
office building. Those who cleared the snow did not clear away the snowmen.
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Anyone can build a snowman, it’s easy. You
just have to roll up some snow into two big balls and stack one of them on top
of the other. Then, you can use tree branches and small rocks to create its
face. It just needs a pair of eyes, a nose, and a mouth to be a person. If it’s
too much trouble, you can just give it some eyes. But make sure you don’t just
give it a nose or a mouth. It needs eyes to be a person. It wouldn’t be a
snowman without eyes.
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You know there’s a meeting tomorrow, right?
I’ll need the file before the end of the day!
You know there’s a meeting tomorrow, right?
I’ll need the file before the end of the day. :)
You know there’s a meeting tomorrow, right?
I’ll need the file before the end of the day. ^^
Indeed,
nothing is more important than eyes.
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I would think of you whenever I saw someone
with big eyes. You had big eyes when you were little, so you must still have
big eyes today. I’m sure we must have seen each other at least once before.
Although we bumped into each other, we must have simply walked on without
recognizing each other. Back when I was in university, I worked part-time at a
coffee shop around Sinchon Station, and given how crowded it was, I wouldn’t be
surprised if you visited once. I take the subway every day, and given how crowded
it is, I wouldn’t be surprised if we got on the same subway once. Couldn’t you
have been one of the people I bumped shoulders with on an overcrowded train?
Couldn’t we have once been sitting
inside the same screening room at the movie theater? Couldn’t we once have
bumped into each other on the streets of Hongdae, Sinchon, Jongno, Myeongdong,
Itaewon, Sinsa, or Gangnam by chance? And if we haven’t yet, if we keep walking
these streets, isn’t there a chance we might bump into each other? Although I
won’t be able to recognize your face, and you won’t remember me at all, I would
like to see you again once.
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But we’re better off never seeing each other.
Even if we were given the chance, it would be better not to. If you don’t have
any memory of me, then it’s better to keep it that way. I probably don’t exist
for you. I feel strange when I think about that. I most likely don’t exist in
your memory. Your grandmother and your mother came looking for you again, and
you went back with them. Had you not gone back with them, you would’ve become
my most beloved little sibling. When people ask me if I have a sibling, I tell
them I don’t have one, all the while thinking about you. I will keep thinking
about you when I say that I don’t have a little sibling.
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I went out to buy some diapers for you. I was
really young myself. I must’ve been four or five. It was the first and last
time I would ever buy baby diapers. I did as Mom told me and went to the
supermarket to buy diapers. I was worried that I would buy the wrong diapers or
mess something up. But I did my best to keep my cool. I walked out of the
supermarket with your diapers, but you have no idea how heavy they were. I
groaned as I carried the pack of diapers which was nearly as big as me. I had
to drag it a few times, but I remember doing my best not to let it touch the
ground. Passing by a factory, a vacant lot, and residential buildings, I kept
my eyes on our house far in the distance. Knowing that you were in that house,
I walked with all my might. I was filled with a sense of responsibility. I
reminded myself that I had to take these diapers home no matter what. That I
had to do this for you. You’re my little sibling. You’re my little
sibling. We look nothing alike, but you’re still my little sibling. I walked home to you while
reminding myself of this. I came to rely on you. I managed to walk back home
because you were there.
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Although I really wanted to see you, and I
promised to see you again one day, I couldn’t bring myself to reach out to you.
Had we wanted to, we could’ve met at any time since we were so close. I
could’ve walked over to go see you, or you could’ve walked over to come see me.
But in the end, we never did meet. We didn’t get to meet. And yet, I was still
meeting all sorts of people every day. Are you among the people I came across
on the subway after work? People who went down the stairs to the subway station
and vanished from my sight. The subway station seemed to swallow them up.
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I’m looking for a face I don’t know.
人 入 人 入 人 入 人
FOREHEAD
EAR EYE
EYE EAR
NOSE
MOUTH
A woman with short bangs walks into the subway station.
A man with a beard walks into the subway station.
FOREHEAD
EAR EYE
EYE EAR
NOSE
人 入 人 入 人 入 人
MOUTH
人 入 人 入 人
You’re either one of the two or neither of the two.
You’re either a woman, a man, both, or neither.
You’re either older, younger, or the same age as me.
You have a name that I don’t know.
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I went back into the App Store. It was the
only way I could look for you. When the application was released, I would be
able to learn the names of the developer or the members of the development
team. If I was lucky, I might even get to know your contact information.
However, even if I did, I wouldn’t be able to contact you. I wasn’t thinking
about contacting you. In reality, your contact information wasn’t all that
important. Perhaps, I just wanted to see Griffin. I wanted to see the Griffin
logo, check out the Griffin features, and download the Griffin application.
No—in reality, Griffin wasn’t all that important. Perhaps, I just wanted
Griffin to appear in the search results when I searched for it. That’s all I
wanted. That’s really all it was. Because you were working to develop a
technology that could make anything inside a picture disappear the moment it
was taken. Because you worked on developing Griffin. If you really did exist,
then Griffin would one day be released. If you truly did exist, if you truly
did exist. I made sure to get each consonant and vowel right as I typed away
the letters on the keyboard—G, R, I, F, F, I, N.
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I wanted to tell you about it one day. Simply
because, for no particular reason, just once. That I used to have a little
sibling as well. Or rather, that there once was a little one who could have
become my little sibling. You always paid attention to me when I talked. I
could have spoken to you about the things I couldn’t tell P. Although it was
all behind me now, I struggled through so many things on my own. I desperately
needed someone to fall back on. My father fell back on alcohol, but I had
nothing to fall back on. I was worried that saying I was lonely would actually
make me lonely, so the word lonely disappeared from my vocabulary. But I felt
like you were someone I could say anything to. Without the need to be logical
or to make any sense. I could talk to you about my little sibling, and even
tell you all the things I wanted to tell them. Up until your account got
deleted, I had felt as though I could have told you anything.
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No one thought it strange when the snow
melted and disappeared without leaving a trace. Even though the snowmen had
disappeared, no one went looking for them. It was only natural for snow to melt
with the rising temperature. If snow melted, snowmen would naturally melt and
disappear, too. Their gradual disappearance was only natural. I have been
working around here for the past three years, and as I walk these streets every
day, I have witnessed them change little by little. Life went on. Without snow.
Life went on. Even without snow. Today, too, I think about coffee. Wanting to
drink coffee, I walk and walk.
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Nice to see you again. It was the first time
the coffee shop employee addressed me. Although I didn’t know their name, and
they didn’t know mine, we exchanged a few brief words. The coffee shop employee
had big eyes. They caught my attention the first time I came here. The one who
could have become my little sibling would have been about the same age as them.
I looked into their eyes and ordered a coffee. I then grabbed a seat and waited
for my coffee. I waited. For someone. Just then, the coffee shop door swung
open and someone walked in. It’s that person I saw yesterday. Just like me,
that person comes here alone every day. That person looked around. That person
must’ve been looking for somebody or for somewhere to sit down. That person
grabbed a seat without ordering anything. They seemed to be waiting for
somebody. Was I the one waiting for them? Even though I did not wait for them,
the same people still showed up every day. The ones who came here at lunch
every day. The people who worked nearby. They were all people whose names I
didn’t know. Although I wasn’t waiting for them, I always felt a bit strange
whenever we crossed paths. It was as though I had been waiting for them. As
though I knew them well. Nice to see you again, I could have tried
greeting them. I might or might not have been waiting for them. I might or
might not have been waiting for anyone. I might have been waiting for someone
whose name I didn’t know but whose face I knew, someone whose name I knew but
whose face I didn’t know, someone whose face I knew but who I could no longer
recognize, or someone whose face I could never have recognized to begin with.
But I didn’t come here to wait. I was waiting but not waiting for anyone. A
warm coffee. I was waiting but not waiting for anyone.
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Winter has now faded away. Following nature’s
course. Winter has entirely faded away and the days have drawn out entirely,
allowing me to see the sun still shining brightly on my way back from work.
Apartment buildings under construction. An intersection. Cars waiting for the
green light. People crossing the street. Baskin-Robbins. Olive Young. People
walking out of stores. A high school. Students in uniforms walking out of the
front gate. A student on his bicycle passing swiftly through a crowd. Weeds growing
all along train tracks. An old wall. The same old wall. A concrete wall. A tree
behind a wall. A tree. A tree. Trees with budding leaves. A white magnolia
tree. A tree. A yellow forsythia. A forsythia. A forsythia. The forsythias are
in full bloom. The scenery outside the subway window shifts rapidly before
fading away, fading away. I take out my cellphone to take a photo of the
scenery as it fades away. I hold my cellphone up to the window and turn the
camera on,
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I appear on the screen. I switch to the rear camera setting to take a photo of the scenery. The screen changes to reveal the rapidly changing scenery outside the subway window as it fades away, fades away. Forsythias. Forsythias. Forsythias. My gaze remains locked on the camera screen. Roadside trees. Roadside trees. Roadside trees. A building. Roadside trees. A building. Roadside trees. A building. Roadside trees. The scenery changes and fades away, fades away from my locked gaze. Rapidly, more rapidly. It changes nonstop and fades away. pixelpixelpixelpixelpixelpixelpixel
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Translated by Léo-Thomas Brylowski
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